Things are hard at the moment. They often are. I can feel the strain. I feel exhausted, depleted, unmotivated, heavy, and wanting to curl up and have all expectations leave me alone. I'm forcing myself to do even simple things and having to take regular breaks in between. I don't think I used to be like this! I think this is what living in daily trauma looks like, a nervous system that never gets to recover fully. When I'm at home or with the kids, I have a tight chest. I feel on edge and agitated. What will happen next? Who will explode, when, and for how long? I've been physically battered recently. It’s normal, but I feel it more right now.
Two of my children are now displaying a lot of aggression and violence. One child is always more than the other, but the other is getting up there. They have started to get angry at the same time. It’s unsafe!!!! I've said it many times. It’a traumatic! This can't carry on! HOW do we teach them that this is beyond inappropriate? HOW?! I should have called the police the other day. Four of us were locked in a room while the other raged on outside. It was us or the house! Broke my bedroom door badly, and the house looked ransacked after.
It takes hours to recover enough for me to properly function after an ‘episode’, and ‘properly function’ means something completely different now than it used to. Survive mostly. I don't ever fully recover as we bounce from one crisis to the next. I don't know how to keep living like this!
I haven't given up hope that God is with me. There is no doubt in my mind. I was reminded yesterday that God is not indifferent to my suffering and deeply cares. Jesus, a Man of Sorrows, the Suffering Servant, the Great High Priest who can identify with our suffering sees me. Nicky Gumble writes, “In the life of Jesus, suffering and glory are inextricably linked. The moment he [Jesus] comes down from the mountain [from being transfigured] he explains to his disciples that ‘the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected’ (v.12). Jesus’ ‘glory’ was of a different kind to that which the world expects, then and now.”
I find peace knowing that Jesus went through tremendous pain and suffering and doesn't expect us to go through what He didn’t. Different circumstances, but the feelings are often similar as we experience physical pain, rejection, accusations, opposition, judgement etc. I will choose to cling onto the One who fully understands and mercifully walks by my side in the depths.
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:17
They don't seem light or momentary, that's the honest truth. It almost seems insulting that the Apsotle Paul would suggest that, but Paul is drawing our attention to a comparison. Our troubles are light in comparison to the glory that awaits us if we keep persevering. It’s something we can only imagine.
I needed to remember that today. I already feel a little more peaceful and can breathe deeper. I pray you can too.
