Co-Regulator

Have you ever had to tell yourself to put one foot in front of the other? I don’t mean metaphorically, but literally. I have and still do. ‘Keep moving forward,’ I tell myself. I find myself counting ‘1, 2, 3’ repeatedly in stressful moments. 

For me, it's often caused by never knowing when my children will have a meltdown and I will need to be their ‘co-regulator’ as the professionals say, or their crisis manager. These meltdowns can be severe and not something I can handle alone, but I do. This has brought me into a perpetual state of anxiety. Never knowing what a trigger will be and never knowing how severe or prolonged the episode will last is in itself anxiety-inducing, and then add on other stressors in life. 

What is a ‘co-regulator’ anyway? From my understanding, the idea is that one person can help another regulate their emotions (calm down from a heightened state of negative emotions). The Child-Mind Institute says:

“There is science behind co-regulation. Our own stress can make another person feel stressed; our calm can make another person feel calm. Successful co-regulation between a responsible adult and a child involves helping the child calm down on their own — which is why the first step to co-regulation requires you to deal with your own stress in a healthy way.”

So, as parents or those responsible for children, we are meant to invite the children into our own calm, which, of course, requires staying calm in heightened moments. Naturally, I would say I’m good at that. In my previous job, which involved caring for vulnerable people, I remained relaxed even in high-pressure situations. I have been described as being ‘as cool as a cucumber’. I have an odd way of being calm during a big crisis, but not over something more trivial, like whether someone is having a good time at a party I am hosting.

After years of dealing with many, many, many meltdowns from my children with special needs, I feel my calm is breaking, and I have a greater sense of anxiety and am quicker to react. I certainly have to put more effort into staying calm. There are many times when I don’t manage to remain even-tempered. After being hit, hurt and insults hurled at me or my family members, I am not quite so able to stay in my ‘calm demeanour’. I get elevated. Of course, that doesn’t help the situation or the person I am supposedly ‘co-regulating’.

So, how can I allow the Holy Spirit to be my ‘co-regulator’ in the intensity of the day, in or between the stressful times? I don't mean when there is time for sitting, praying or devotionals. I mean, in the moment when anxiety is building, things are happening out of my control, and I need steadying. I’m not an expert in any of this, nor have I perfected it. I struggle in this area, and I won’t pretend I don’t, but here are some things I do to try to allow the Holy Spirit to bring me into His calm.

•  A Christian professional recommended I have a spiky sensory cylinder and, while squeezing it, repeat a Bible verse. I often have this cylinder in my pocket and repeat John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” The spikes of the cylinder immediately remind me of the verse.
• Deep breathing and ‘box breathing’, while praying quickly, ‘help me’ prayers, allow me to call on and remember the only One who can bring peace.
• Chanting or repeating ‘Jesus is with me’ conveys the truth to my soul, allowing me to move forward and push through.
• Thanking God that He is capable, that He is big enough, and that He can handle the situation even though I can’t reminds me that it is not me who can fix the problem, but God.
• Letting the emotion out and pouring out my sorrow and lament to God. This releases emotions and puts them where they belong: at the foot of Jesus. (I think it is essential to feel the feelings; they are, after all, God given.)
• Meditating on a verse, and reading it over and over or calling to mind scripture I have memorized.
• I have recently learned of a couple of Christian meditation Apps that provide a quick devotion, verse, calming music, etc. Two I have come to know are 'Abide' and 'Soultime'.
• Play worship music - this has helped to centre me and bring peace.
• Go to a quiet room (often the bathroom), even for a few seconds, to cry out to God. Another professional recommended putting a note in my bathroom that says 'Gas Station' to remind myself that I am filling up on 'gas' when I'm running on empty.

NOTE: It is essential to involve medical and mental health professionals when needed. God uses many avenues and people. Sometimes chemical imbalances occur, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Seeking professional help is a sign of strength and a step towards healing.

I am grateful we are not alone. Jesus said the Holy Spirit was sent as our helper. What would I do if I couldn’t call on Him? I don’t want to know! I hope and pray that I can teach my kids, even by modelling it, to call on the Holy Spirit to be their ultimate ‘co-regulator’.